My first almost suicide experience was in 2016. It was shortly after my sister had passed, the pain was too much and I couldn’t contain it. I had my plan laid put and ready to have my “final sleep” before leaving. I didn’t think my cousin was coming back anytime soon but she did, took what I had laid out and just sat by my side till I woke up and she was just looking at me, words unsaid and I could see her emotions on her face. I took that as my cue to stay, I deserve to be here. I still do.
Earlier in 2020, I struggled with PTSD particularly intrusive memories and I couldn’t cope again. I cried almost every day for the whole of January and by February, I was over it. I was ready to leave. That particular day, my friend put out a tweet on who wanted to go for karaoke and I decided to join them, you know as my last outing till I go ahead. I almost cancelled but she called and said she didn’t want to look for me, I carried myself there and for the first time I breathed and enjoyed it. Even as a mental health advocate, who talks to people about doing better with their mental health, I couldn’t speak to anybody. I knew that I had to go back to therapy but I couldn’t for the life of me explain why I wake up and feel like I was back in 2015 and somedays I’m in 2014. I just knew I was tired and ready. I’m still here and that’s what’s most important.
So you, yes you, Feeling so tired of the world, Feeling like everything is not working out, Feeling like how could God let you go through hard stuff like this, like the world is trying to choke you. Feeling like nobody will miss you when you leave here. Look around you for a sec, count your blessings one after the other and I mean even the littlest thing and realize how much you deserve to be here. You’re doing great even with your mistakes. You’re doing amazing even with your little gradual steps. It may not count as anything but you’re loved, YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE no matter what”.